Fostering.

It's me.
Apr 18, 2023
6 min read

Updated: May 14, 2024

"Just saw a post on social media that says she's a "foster girlfriend" because she dates men until they find their forever homes and I've been dying laughing for an hour because I have never felt so called out in my life"

I'm a nurturer. The day my mom was diagnosed, I felt I needed to step up and step in with taking care of my sisters. Since then, I have always had that "mothering" instinct.

Friends have actually called me out on it. My nickname on group vacations was always Mama Maria. I can't help it. I am always wanting to make sure everyone is safe, healthy and taken care of. It is in my blood.

Both my parents, and both sets of grandparents were the same way.

Although, when this is taken advantage of by others, it really stings.

Hurts the heart & soul.

But we still do it.

I didn't date alot as a teen, or even as an adult. The few relationships I have had turned into

a foster situation.

Even my marriage.

I could never find that balance. The one where I take as much as I give.

When you continue to give, and it becomes expected, you just continue to give.

Until the one day that they simply thank you, tell you you are amazing, and then walk away from you and into someone else's arms.

This goes for friends too.

The guys all had enough respect for me to tell me. They all used the line,

"I really like this girl and want to give it a try". They all left me with a hurting heart and ego and they are all very much still in my life, in some capacity today.

See, I stand tall, and walk away with my head held high. Take my time to scream inside but knowing that I contributed to opening up their heart and their mind to being able to love and find it.

"My Best Friends Wedding". From the day I saw it in theatres in 1997, when I was 17 years old, has been my favourite movie of all time.

For those who have never seen the movie (how dare you?!) It stars Julia Roberts as Julianne and Dermot Mulroney as Michael. Picture this; the two best friends who were always meant for each other but just never found the right timing.

Michael finally gets engaged (to another woman) and he asks Julianne to be there for him. The days leading up to the wedding, Julianne finally realizes that she always wanted Michael to choose her.

At one point in the movie there is a scene where I REALLY felt Julianne's heartache when she said,

"Choose me! Love me! Marry me!"

Athough I hadn't experienced that feeling yet, I cried, ok I sobbed all over my friend Ruth's shoulder.

I wanted them to be together, best friends, perfect for each other, yet (spoiler alert) they don't end up together.

I always had more male friends than females.

For me, guys just want to live drama free and with everything I always had going on in my life, I didn't need any added drama.

I do to this day I have a female friend from high school who is a constant in my life.

We have been solid since day one, but that is because she is exactly like me, in the sense that she too worked hard at life and never allowed drama to enter.

She and I have travelled together, cried together, she was my maid of honour and remains my first call whenever my heart hurts.

"You're too good for anybody, Mia.”

When she says it, she means it.

She means; get in trouble, screw up a little, start an argument. Stop being so good.

But selfishly, I don't want to change just to have someone love me madly.

The fact that I even took the step in marriage was crazy to some people (especially her).

But as a fiance , he took care of me, was understanding that my family will always come first, that traditional Greek culture will come into play even if he doesn't like it and that I am a very independent person.

After 18 years together, I sat down with my husband, and told him it felt like we were "glorified roommates".

And…

He agreed.

He agreed!?

I wanted him to fight for me.

To say he loved me with all his heart.

To tell me that there was no way he was letting me go.

To tell me I was the most amazing person he knew.

But none of that happened.

He agreed to couples counselling, and when the therapist said after a few sessions,

"Look at the woman sitting next to you. All that she has done, and accomplished. You are one of the luckiest men in this world, and you don't realize it".

He quit.

He said the therapist was a quack and he quit.

He wasn't the only one to quit on me.

And so, I wasn't surprised at all.

He did not agree with the amount of work I was doing. The volunteering and fundraisers on top of everything else he said was "taking away time from being a mom".

On the contrary, I was teaching my daughter to give back to the community and those less fortunate than us just like my mom taught and showed me. My daughter came along to all the events and fundraisers from a young age and the smile on her face when she would tell people she was my daughter with pride, filled my heart and hers.

But it's me.

It always has been me.

It always will be me.

Most of my friends would say that I am Independent and don't want to be "taken care of" but that can't be further from the truth.

I want a man next to me who will take care of me.

Take care in the sense that, after a rough day, he listens to me vent. When I'm anxious, he just puts his hand on my shoulder. Does he need to make a ton of money? No! Just have something of his own that he goes to during the day so that he doesn't resent me for working.

Fostering. To promote or encourage and support. Make them men, and then send them off, or in my case, they just take off.

These situations always lead me into my "deep internal diving". Looking within myself to see what exactly it is that lead me to this outcome?

Did I give too much, or not enough?

Was I selfish or too selfless?

Too demanding, or too laid back?

I also wondered if they did the same thing?

Did they even think about me before making their decision, or were they just thinking of themselves?

Were they just liars?!

Lying from day one about who they really were as a human being and then the truth about who they really were started to come to surface and they were afraid I would discover it?

This is me once again, analizing it all rather than just accept that maybe I am too much?

I always believed that loving someone meant you loved everything about them.

Everything.

I also believe that you can't just un love.

Every person I have loved in my life, remains in my life.

I don't love easily but once I have loved you, I will always love you.

That goes for my friends, "my people" as well. There is not a single friend that can't call me at 2am for help. Anytime, any day, I will run to be there and I know that they will do the same for me. That is why I love them.

I guess, if I continue to foster, then it just means that the circle of "my people" just gets larger. And I am good with that.

Or am I?

Am I saying I’m good with it because I think I have no other choice? Because I believe that if I convince myself that I’m ok with it then it won’t hurt as bad?

If I can just keep telling myself that all I need is some great friends then does it become true?

Yes. That is exactly what I do. It’s a coping mechanism that I picked up at a young age, and while it has served me well in some situations, it definitely hasn’t in this case.

"You are too much woman for a simple man to handle" are words my aunt (my dads younger sister) said to me, shortly before she passed away.

Words that I repeat to myself.

But I don't want to be "handled".

I want someone to say, "I choose you." "I love you."

Until then, I will be true to myself, as I always have been, and never settle for less.

And to all the ladies (you know who you are)

You're welcome.