That gulp.

Sometimes, it is us who are affected negatively. Sometimes you lay in bed at night and have that hungover feeling. The one where you take a big gulp and hold back the tears.

During that time of day is when I reflect. Reflection has always been part of my day. When I was younger, it was a diary entry before bed. During college, it was a phone call to my mom, and now in my 40s it is speaking out loud to myself while perched up on 2 pillows.

Reflection teaches us to look at the way we acted and reacted in every situation throughout our day. Line by line, and emotion by emotion, I dissect everything I said or did. Aiming to never have any regrets in life, and trying to turn any disappointment into a lesson. But you know what- as much as you try sometimes to find the lesson in a situation, sometimes, just sometimes, right after you take that big gulp, and follow it up with a deep breath, you have to let the tears out. You just have to.

Trying not to disappoint people, especially your loved ones is a hard task and putting that task on yourself is one of the biggest mental health challenges one will ever endure.

Nobody raised me to think this way. The opposite is actually true. My mom used to always tell me that I needed to learn that I cannot make everyone happy, and cannot fix everyone. But I am a fixer.

A fixer by definition is a liaison. A liaison is suppose to be the in between. A proper fixer looks at a situation or person and assists with advice or actions to fix the situation.

But not a Maria. A Maria takes on all the problems and emotions and makes them her own. A Maria thinks she can take the pain away from that person by taking it on herself.

Then, when a situation goes sour for the other person, there is a Maria to blame for all of it.

For every heavy gulp, comes a flutter.

When you are reminded what an amazing human being looks like and your heart flutters with love.

Sometimes it is a meme, sometimes it is a song, and the best times it is a friend that loves you and reminds you.

For as many times as I have taken a gulp, I have had a flutter, and THAT is all a Maria needs in life to continue being true to herself as a fixer.