Honesty.

One of the most important characteristics in a person, for me, is honesty.

There are always two sides to every story, and of course the truth is how that person perceives the truth.

Growing up, I never witnessed an argument between my parents. Sure, they disagreed sometimes, but my mom would always say, "It is your right to see it that way".

What she meant was that a person's perception of a situation is their honest truth.

She always said that, in an argument, always remember it is a debate, and never raise your voice when trying to debate your side and what your thoughts and feelings are on the topic.

When it came to friendships, as a teen, I always wanted to believe that my tight circle of friends were always honest with me. That their friendship was real, and honest.

Like I have said before, we didn't come from money, and my father worked really hard to provide the basics for us.

If I ever catch you in a lie, first know that you have gutted me. My heart would start to hurt immediately. The hurt turns to guilt, as if I made you feel that you couldn’t be honest with me.

Never does it turn into anger.

That switch? You know the one that clearly should be there, isn’t there for me.

Such an unhealthy trait to have because it deflates me mentally, emotionally and physically. I just don’t have it.

All the therapy in the world can’t change that. It goes back to learning it as a fight mode. While I will always be transparent and tell you that you have hurt me, I never want to make you feel bad for doing it.

Yup, and that my friends is how you can take advantage of my loyalty. That right there has opened me up to so much hurt and disappointment in life, not in myself but in others.

What I hate the most is that I’ve passed this on to my daughter. She never wants to disappoint anyone. Myself, her dad, her friends- nobody.

At just 10 years old, Hope was asking if she could buy some “robucks” online and gift them to her friend who couldn’t afford to buy any. She was in tears just asking. She said she wanted her to have the same advantage as she does when playing online together.

A few days later my daughter tells me she is upset because her said friend never said thank you and actually asked for more. Hope gave her a few more of these “gems” and the friend took them to play with someone else online.

I asked her if she was upset and she told me her heart hurt. Her heart hurt! No! She should be upset at the behaviour but instead she was hurt.

Recently, she asked if she could go to her dads place because she felt bad that she had spent so much time with me the last few days and that he is probably lonely because he doesn’t have any friends but mom has lots.

I explained to her that it isn’t her job as our child to ensure that we aren’t lonely, it is her job to be a child and play with friends and do whatever she wants for the day.

She went quiet for a few minutes and then responded with, “ok, so can you take me to dads?”

Because we are kick ass at co-parenting, I texted him to let him know what was going on and then dropped her off. She messaged me half an hour later and said “you were right mom, dad is fine som going out to play with friends”

Later that night I called her dad and told him that I was worried she was like me when it came to teaching friends that they can treat her that way. I told him at least being conscious of it now as an adult, I can teach her to see the signs and try to feel the right emotions.

He went quiet and then said “she’s fine. You’re fine. Everything is fine.” And that my friends is how he dealt with a wife that talks through every feeling and emotion in every situation.

It’s fine.

When it happened again, I told Hope my story of when my mom taught me to roll my shoulders back.

I was 14 years old, and met a new group of Greek friends in Greek dance class.

Yes, I had Greek dancing every Thursday evening and Greek School every Saturday morning.

I loved that there was a new group of friends to be made. They would all come over for a BBQ at my house, we would go swimming at theirs, and all was great, or so I thought.

A few months into this new found group of friends, one of the girls was celebrating her birthday and I was invited. She gave the time and location of the restaurant that the party would be.

With my gift wrapped and in hand, my mom along with my aunt, drove me to the restaurant.

Mom always said, when dropping someone off, you wait until they are inside, and a few extra minutes before driving off.

I still do this to this day.

I excitedly got out of the car, gift in hand, and went inside to the hostess station.

When the hostess responded that there was no party or reservation that evening, I quickly ran back outside. Thank God, my mom was still in the parking lot. This was long before cell phones, so it would have been a long wait to have her get home, receive the call and come back to get me.

I got in the car in tears.

My mom went inside the restaurant and called the parents of the birthday girl.

"The party is here, at the house" the birthday girl’s mother explained.

My mom came back to the car and told me that the party was never at that restaurant.

"They made a joke of me!" I said out loud.

Mom put the car into drive and said she was taking me to the house to bring the gift, and leave.

I didn't want to go.

"Just take me home" I cried.

"When someone is dishonest and wants to make a joke out of you, you roll your shoulders back and show them that they don't have that control" she announced.

When we pulled up in the driveway, my stomach turned, and a lump in my throat made it hard to swallow.

I got out of the car, gift in hand, and rang the doorbell.

The girl's mother opened the door, with a smile, invited me in.

"No, thank you" I said and handed her the gift.

She called down the stairs, announcing that I was at the door. The noise suddenly stopped, and a few moments later a bunch of laughter came out.

They made a mockery of me. They never wanted to invite me to the actual birthday party.

Tears streamed down my face, as I turned around to look at my mom sitting in the car.

Mom signaled for me to hand over the gift and come back to the car.

I did, and once I got in and did my seatbelt up, my mom turned to me and said, you will NEVER allow anyone in your life to ever have the last laugh. Promise me, you will remain honest to your heart and live life as an honest human being.

What does honesty have to do with any of this, I thought to myself.

"Let's go home mom."

A few hours later there was a knock at our door. When I opened the door, the birthday girl was standing there.

"My dad is taking us all out for a late night ice cream. Want to come?!" she said,

I turned and looked at my mom on the couch, and turned back to the girl and in a calm voice said "Honestly, I don't want ice cream." and closed the door.

Went back to the couch and continued to watch TV with my mom.

That girl thought what she did was right. She thought that by making a mockery out of me, I would be ok with it, and we would make good over an ice cream. What she didn't realize is that I was being raised by a strong woman.

MANY years later, this girl added me as a friend on a social media platform. I accepted her request, and posted the events of that evening in a self serving rant (that’s what Facebook was for the first few years- to tell the world what you were feeling)She unfriended me a few days after my post.

I may have been raised to be honest and roll my shoulders back, but was also raised to never allow a dishonest person back into my life.

Roll those shoulders back and hold you head high and your heart honest.