Anxiety.

I experienced my first panic attack in the 7th grade. During a game of deadly dodgeball, I suddenly became light headed and couldn't catch my breath. I sat down in the middle of the gymnasium floor with balls whipping past my head, and could hear the gym teacher yelling my name and demanding I get up.

I couldn't move, couldn't feel my legs, and my vision started to blur as I fell over. I awoke to staff and students gathered around me. Paramedics were on their way.

In true Greek grandparents style, they arrived before the ambulance did, and my yiayia started drawing air crosses over my head and saying the lords prayer.

When I got to the ER my mom had already arrived (pulled out of work) and started asking questions. The thing is, she wanted to know what happened, and I couldn't answer that.

After an MRI and CAT scan, doctors told us that it seemed to be a panic attack, usually brought on by stress and anxiety.

"What anxiety does a 12 year old have?!", my Yiayia asked with a great follow up by my Papou (Greek Grandparents), "She needs a psychiatrist"

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"Every moment is a fresh beginning"

-T.S. Eliot

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When we got home, my mom called me into her room, and suggested that I start doing some breathing exercises and journaling more to help me process my thoughts and feelings.

Process? But thinking about my fears GIVES me anxiety. I wanted someone else's opinion.

Based on fact and not just self-appointed Greek therapists.

Visiting the library later that week (Google wasn't born yet) I discovered a few books on anxiety and panic and in a way, Papou was correct, it is a mental health thing.

As I read page by page, I realized that these books weren't written for kids my age, they referred to grown adults throughout the entire novel.

See, in the early 90's kids were supposed to be outside playing on their bikes, with neighborhood friends and home once the streetlights came on. Kids were to be just that, kids. For some reason, I was blessed with thinking and feeling like an adult. I couldn't help but worry if my mom got a good nights rest after chemo, or if my dad was overly exhausted after his 14 hour shifts, if my little sister would FINALLY clean her room, and if my older sister was doing her homework.

Because there was no history of cancer on my moms side, doctors figured it was brought on by stress. So, as any 12 year old would think; no stress = no cancer.

Rather than do that, here I was worrying my mom about my fainting spells.

In my teens, I learned coping skills and dealt with the panic head on. Later in my 20's they progressed to full blown seizures. Yup, here I was having Epileptic Seizures, Grand Mal, without ever able to have a diagnosis of Epilepsy. Doctors were stumped.

As they progressively got worse, I saw doctor after doctor.

Neurologist after neurologist, and had so many MRI's that I swear it was me setting off the alarms in the mall.

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"Mother's hold their children's hands for a while, but their heart forever"

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The seizures started shortly after my mom passed away.

I had gone to a restaurant with one of my best friends, Paul, and my what would become future husband. As we were sitting at the table, I felt "off" so I excused myself to the bathroom.

I made my way to the hostess station, where I told her I wasn't feeling well, and next thing I knew, my eyes were wide open again, I was laying on the floor in a puddle of my own urine, and Paul was over my head, telling me an ambulance was on it's way and he had called my dad to meet us at the Emergency room.

There I was lying in a hospital bed, once again thinking about how I should not think about my fears.

My dad and sisters showed up and I felt horrible that I put them through it.

Neurologist after neurologist, they would all say the same thing. These are Grand Mal seizures but there is no evidence to support a diagnosis of Epilepsy.

I get the "aura" and then the heart palpitations, followed by the numbing, and then the hearing goes just before I black out. I lose full control of my bowels and shake like a chicken once on the ground. They seem to come on when I am physically or emotionally exhausted. Almost my body's way of telling me to slow down.

To this day, after trying a variety of medications, nothing has stopped them completely. What has stopped, is my anxiety over having them. If it happens in public, it happens. I carry a fresh clean pair of pants with me, and always try grounding myself if I feel one coming on. Grounding in the sense that I will remove my shoes and socks and firmly place my feet on the ground, close my eyes and take deep breaths. Sometimes it helps, and other times, it doesn't.

BOY, if mom could only see me now!

Breathing and journaling my thoughts and feelings for the world to read.

Anxiety happens to all of us, at some point. It reminds us that we have a heart.

What HAS changed is that we now talk about it. The more you talk about it, the more you realize that it happens to a lot more people than just you.

It has made me slightly OCD as an adult. I won't drink alcohol to the point of drunkenness because I need control. I won't drive too far from home when the weather is bad, because I need to control that I can get home in case of a snow storm. Then one night while journalling I realized "control" was my issue.

Internal deep diving made me realize that my anxiety stems from not having control over certain things in my life.

Not being able to control cancer.

Not being able to control driving conditions.

Things that are COMPLETELY out of my control are causing me anxiety.

Crazy, right? There is literally nothing I can do to control these things so I should learn not to let them control me. That was my "ah ha!" moment.

I'm letting the uncontrollable control me, and yet that is one thing I have control over. Not letting it control me.

Did I lose you?

What I am saying is that I remind myself that I have control over me. How I allow myself to stress over the uncontrollable IS control.

I am an over-thinker. Most empaths are.

Lost you again?

It's ok, because one day, you too will have an "ah ha" moment and realize that only you will get it.

Bouts of anxiety are brought on by nervousness, and is a normal reaction to stress. It can happen at any age, and is nothing to be embarrassed of.

Sometimes, when it gets to be too much, I take "Dr. Papou's" advice and go to counselling.

Most of the time, I journal.